Friday, August 20, 2010

How do you know if your husband is gay? Ask a homophobe.

This one takes the cake, the ice cream and all the party gifts. Christwire.com has posted a list of 14 ways a wife can tell if her husband is gay. I am not making this up. In an article called "Is My Husband Gay?", Stephenson Billingsly, who, despite his faggy name is allegedly hetero, or at least ex-gay, says that if your hubby knows too much about pop culture, spends a lot of time at the gym, despite having no interest in sports or focuses too much on the guys in the porn you watch in the sanctity of your Christian bedroom, he might just be a 'mo.

If Jeff Foxworthy was queer (and I'm not convinced he isn't) this would be his stand-up routine. These are some of the better tips on Christwire's list of helpful hints for fag-hag Christian wives:

Secretive use of cell phones and computers. Because straight men never do that to contact their girlfriends.

Looks at other men in a flirtatious way. This happens to me at Home Depot all the time and we all know the gays don't shop at Home Depot, except for maybe the lady gays. 

Feigning attention in church and prayer groups. Because only a homo would find all the gay bashing in church to be offensive, or at the very least uninteresting. 

Gym membership, but no interest in sports. This one is my favorite. If your husband allows himself to get fat and lazy and dies of a heart attack, that's all the proof you'll ever need that he's not a down low dick sucker. 

Sassy, sarcastic and ironic around his friends. I guess they've been paying attention to our protest signs at all the NOM rallies. We don't just act that way around our friends. We do that to people we hate too. So if your hubby is sassy, sarcastic and ironic toward you, either he's gay or he suddenly realized what a bitch he married. 

Extroverted about his bare chest in public. This one I don't even have to embellish. This is what Billingsly actually wrote: "Does he go shirtless in the back yard or at picnics when other men are around? Does he wear a speedo  at the beach? Does it seem like he’s purposely standing right in the middle of a crowd to show off his chest and arm muscles, peppering people with questions about how strong he looks? He may be craving physical affirmation from other men and desperately looking for hints of shared desires in those around him." 

Strange sexual demands. If your missionary hubby is getting board with the missionary position, break out the poppers and the disco ball.

You can visit the site here for more of the hilarity. Be sure to leave comments.
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