For Rick Santorum, Payback is a Frothy Mix

This story has been around for a while, but in the interest of keeping jack-offs like Rick Santorum out of national politics, I'm happy to pass it along to keep the Google buzz going.

Back in '03, the former senator from Pennsylvania, Rick Santorum famously said to an Associated Press reporter, "Every society in the history of man has upheld the institution of marriage as a bond between a man and a woman. Why? Because society is based on one thing: that society is based on the future of the society. And that's what? Children. Monogamous  relationships. In every society, the definition of marriage has not ever to my knowledge included homosexuality. That's not to pick on homosexuality. It's not, you know, man on child, man on dog, or whatever the case may be. It is one thing. And when you destroy that you have a dramatic impact on the quality".

In response, blogger/columnist/activist/radio host Dan Savage devised a contest for people to submit suggestions for a new definition of "Santorum". The idea was to change the meaning of the name on the web so that any time someone searched for it, the result would be the new meaning and not any website promoting or endorsing the homophobic asshole.

Well, it worked. The winning submission defines Santorum this way:  Santorum: Pronunciation: san-TOR-um. Function: noun. Etymology: Savage Love - 05/29/03 1. The frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex.

Savage created a web site called SpreadingSantorum.com where the new definition would find a home on the interwebs and forever remind the American people what a huge douchenozzle this guy really is. Although the site has not been updated since 2004, it continues to confound and confuse Google surfers just as Savage planned. The site is still among the top 3 to 5 search results and the story continues to make the news six years later. Although there's no proof that it has stymied Santorum's political ambitions, I'll point out again, that the whack-a-doodle, right-wing, nut-job who wanted the teaching of Intelligent Design in public schools made mandatory under the No Child Left Behind Act, is no longer in the US Senate.

So on behalf of my people, who many researchers believe are evolutionarily superior to the average breeder, I am happy to keep the momentum going, so that future generations will no longer feel comfortable speaking the word Santorum in polite society.

The lesson to be learned from all of this is simple: Don't fuck with the gays. 

*A special shout-out to reader, William Scott, for bringing this story to my attention again!

 

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If You Have a Fragile Ego, Never Google Yourself

Have you ever been curious to see how your accomplishments measure up? No matter how hard you've worked in your life, how extensive your resume' or what lofty goals you've set and achieved, if you can't find them on Google, they don't count for shit.

I once Googled myself just for fun. Imagine my astonishment when dozens of listings showed up with my name. Apparently, I'm a biological researcher in the UK, specializing in male fertility. I admit that I, too, have a passion for male fertility, but it's always been more of a hobby for me.

As I perused and endless list of doctoral degrees, articles in medical journals and board certifications of my limey doppelganger, I wondered if all the jerk-offs who gave me such a hard time in High School had seen any of this and actually thought it was me. As I came back down to earth and the shit-eating grin faded from my face, I thought, "I've done stuff too!" Where were my accomplishments?

Back in the early 90's I made extra money freelance writing for a weekend entertainment guide and newsletters for various non-profit organizations. In the days before Free Credit Report. com was singing to people about how fucked up their credit ratings are, I was writing about how to understand and fix credit reporting errors.

Once upon a time, long before Viagra and Enzyte logos blazed around NASCAR tracks throughout the Bible Belt, I explained in very delicate, clinical terms to the members of a senior citizens group what to do about a wimpy willie.

Did Google care that I suffered through hours of endless, self-promoting prattle from RuPaul wannabees when I covered a Washington, DC drag competition for that bar rag under your apple-tini?

Apparently not. Google is a bitch of mistress. If you want to get into her pants, she's gonna want some bling. This is especially hard for me, what with my laterally mobile career path and the whole "not-liking-girls" thing.

So, now that I've gotten all of that off my chest, I am pleased to announce that you can now find me on Google with several references to this blog and my Twitter profile. I even have a Google search widget at the bottom of this page. That's right, you're my bitch now, Google! (Insert shit-eating grin here.)