Sunday, May 3, 2009

If You Have a Fragile Ego, Never Google Yourself

Have you ever been curious to see how your accomplishments measure up? No matter how hard you've worked in your life, how extensive your resume' or what lofty goals you've set and achieved, if you can't find them on Google, they don't count for shit.

I once Googled myself just for fun. Imagine my astonishment when dozens of listings showed up with my name. Apparently, I'm a biological researcher in the UK, specializing in male fertility. I admit that I, too, have a passion for male fertility, but it's always been more of a hobby for me.

As I perused and endless list of doctoral degrees, articles in medical journals and board certifications of my limey doppelganger, I wondered if all the jerk-offs who gave me such a hard time in High School had seen any of this and actually thought it was me. As I came back down to earth and the shit-eating grin faded from my face, I thought, "I've done stuff too!" Where were my accomplishments?

Back in the early 90's I made extra money freelance writing for a weekend entertainment guide and newsletters for various non-profit organizations. In the days before Free Credit Report. com was singing to people about how fucked up their credit ratings are, I was writing about how to understand and fix credit reporting errors.

Once upon a time, long before Viagra and Enzyte logos blazed around NASCAR tracks throughout the Bible Belt, I explained in very delicate, clinical terms to the members of a senior citizens group what to do about a wimpy willie.

Did Google care that I suffered through hours of endless, self-promoting prattle from RuPaul wannabees when I covered a Washington, DC drag competition for that bar rag under your apple-tini?

Apparently not. Google is a bitch of mistress. If you want to get into her pants, she's gonna want some bling. This is especially hard for me, what with my laterally mobile career path and the whole "not-liking-girls" thing.

So, now that I've gotten all of that off my chest, I am pleased to announce that you can now find me on Google with several references to this blog and my Twitter profile. I even have a Google search widget at the bottom of this page. That's right, you're my bitch now, Google! (Insert shit-eating grin here.)

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