Friday, May 15, 2009

A New Book Claims to be "The Catholic Kama Sutra". WTF?

Ever since my catholic priest uncle, at my parents' request, clumsily attempted to explain the birds and bees to me at age 12 during my 2-week stay at my grandmother's house, I've been fascinated and immensely amused by the church's obsession with sex.

The idea that a bunch of celibates can try to pass themselves off as experts on all things sexual, and to do it with a straight face, reminds me of the fat, beer-swilling armchair quarterbacks across America shouting game strategies at their TV screens during football season. Forever on the sidelines, the Catholic church persists in proving the age old axiom, "those who can't do, teach", or at least they attempt to.

There is a new best seller flying off book shelves across Poland called, "Seks: For married couples who love God". The book has the blessing of the Polish Catholic Church and follows orthodoxy to the letter. The first edition has already sold out and the publisher is feverishly pounding away at round two. Plans are in the works for Slovakian, Italian and English translations.

Author, Father Ksawery Knotz, a Franciscan from a monastery outside Krakow, who calls his work the Catholic Kama Sutra, says that in the marriage bed, "Every act – a type of caress, a sexual position – with the goal of arousal is permitted and pleases God. During sexual intercourse, married couples can show their love in every way, can offer one another the most sought-after caresses. They can employ manual and oral stimulation."

In other words, as long as you're hitched and not using birth control, it's okay to get your freak on. I think Beyonce says it best, "if you like it, then you should'a put a ring on it".

And since you asked, no, the book says nothing about how to get an alter boy to genuflect in your Tabernacle.

In 1989, when Madonna combined religious and sexual imagery in her "Like a Prayer" video, she was crucified in the press by the holy rollers who called her heretical, and sacrilegious. While the Material Girl was not trying to pass herself off as a religious expert, she was raised Catholic and it was from that perspective that she created her racy commentary on religion and sex.

But when the church attempts to instruct the rest of us on how to conduct ourselves in sexual matters, there are no torch-wielding villagers or outrage, just a collective shaking of the head that says, "here we go again".

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