Why today's posts will be late. (Blame the DMV)

As my 50th birthday is just days away, I received a notice that my driver's license is due to expire on that very day. Because I haven't updated my photo in over five years (it was a really good one and I had a tan), I have to go in and get a new pic taken and have an eye exam.

I left the house at about 8a.m. intending to get it over with early so I could get to work early and post some updates. As my bad luck would have it, no sooner do I sit down to fill out the paperwork, than someone announces over the P.A. system that the computer is down and that someone in Richmond is working on the problem. Customers are free to wait or to go to one of the other regional offices (all of which are over an hour away) where the computers are working just fine.

I decided I'd risk the wait, as I really hate the DMV and don't want to have to make a second trip.

After about ten minutes in walks an inbred couple and their three-year-old whiny mutant offspring, who never shuts up from the second his foot is inside the door, and of course, they sit near me, because the other 200 empty chairs just aren't good enough. He wants to sit with Mommy. He wants to lay down. He wants to sit with Daddy. He wants to go home. He yells and screams and starts hitting himself in the face when he doesn't get his way. I give up and leave, dreading the idea of having to go back tomorrow morning.

I would rather set my own hair on fire while getting a root canal then ever go to the DMV. There has got to be a better way. It's just one more reason to hate this backward commonwealth we call Virginia.

WTF is up with "Gay Sports"?

One of the great things about being gay and going through the whole coming out process is that you no longer have to pretend to like sports.

With the World Out Games in full swing in Copenhagen and London's Gay Sports Day scheduled to take place at the end of August, I've realized lately that I have to expand my mind a little if I want to write anything about them. It's sort of like trying to find your way around Beijing without knowing the language and not having a Mandarin to English dictionary.

Growing up sharing a bedroom with my two jock brothers and their smelly sneakers and sweat socks helped me understand one essential truth about myself: I hate sports.

I hate the phony competitiveness, the "I'm better than you" swagger, the mob mentality of sporting events and the fact that I was just never good at sports. In high school, I hated having to take gym class and being forced to take part in competitions that I could never win. I hated being judged by "their" standards.

Like most of my gay brethren, I only watch the Olympics for the hot guys in Speedos and the homoerotic contortions of the male gymnasts. Greco-Roman wrestling is pretty hot too, although being a traditionalist, I've always thought they should do it naked, the way the gods intended.

From what I hear, there is a small segment of our community that actually excels in athletics. I don't know any of those people personally, but like Big-foot, the Lock Ness Monster and Gay Republicans, there have been so many reported sightings that I try to keep an open mind about it.

I'm not talking about Women's Tennis, the LPGA or WNBA. Women's sports, like FedEx and UPS, could not exist without our strong lesbian sisters. But the notion that any proud gay man would willingly take part in any sporting event other than figure skating just boggles my mind. (I mean really, with those outfits, if you take away the blades, it's just another drag show.)

I get the whole "we deserve the right to be out and proud in the sports world" thing, but like religion, I don't want to be part of any organization that doesn't want me. (Spiritually, I'm more of an independent contractor.)

I suppose for some gay men there is a need to prove to straight men that we're not the weak little faeries they think we are. I can only guess that queer athletes have a need to prove that not only are they as good as the the straight jocks are, but gay jocks can even beat them at their own game.

Looking back, maybe I could have tried harder at sports, but why bother? Even as a kid I knew in my heart of hearts that gym class and sports in general, were bullshit. I knew instinctively that my big brother's daily workouts and hormone-fueled arrogance were nothing than more his attempt to hide his sensitive side. And I always knew that my strength was that I embraced that part of myself, while he was ashamed of it in himself. If it weren't for that, we might have been friends.

Gym class was only one hour out of my school day, but I hated every minute of it. For that one class, the jocks ruled. But when they were in my arena, Art class, which they only took as an "easy credit", I kicked their asses every day and that was enough for me.

My sweet revenge was knowing that even though those dumb jocks could humiliate me on the playing field, at the end of class I'd get to see them all naked in the locker room.

Whoa! I think I get it now!

CA Supremes Uphold Prop 8 and I Hate Weddings

I was at work today when the California Supreme Court announced its decision to uphold Proposition 8, which banned same-sex marriage a year ago. I kept dashing to the nearest computer in between customers for updates. It was so frustrating. Not only just knowing the outcome, but not being able to vent about it. Usually, I have my co-gay to commiserate with, but she was out today. I was in such a shitty mood all day.

I work for a large copy chain. They've changed names a few times over the years, so I'll just refer to them as "Schminko's". That way I won't get in trouble at work and besides, God only knows what the geniuses at corporate will come up with next. The only reason I mention it at all, is that wedding season has started and I have to deal with helping young couples put together their announcements, invitations, programs, seating charts and assorted other nauseating wedding necessities.

As I showed a young couple the various paper choices and font selections and worked up a price quote, what I really wanted to do was get online somewhere to find out what was going on in California. But instead, I had to stand there and smile while this happy young couple planned their big day, knowing I may never get to do it myself.

Then I had a revelation. As if struck by lightening, in a flash, I realized just how much I really hate weddings.

I hate going to them and being in them.

I hate hearing about them and looking at the wedding pictures.

I hate having to tell the bride how beautiful she looks in the dress that makes her already-fat ass look four times bigger. (Fat girls should never wear ruffles.)

I hate having to introduce my partner of nine years as "my partner" to people I haven't seen in twenty years.

I hate that gay people can plan the wedding, cater the wedding, make the dress, do the hair, nails, make-up and flowers, and that our music, "YMCA", is played at every wedding reception in the bible belt, but we can't have weddings of our own!

Yes, this advocate for same-sex marriage hates weddings. Give me an Elvis impersonator at "The Blue Hawaii Chapel O' Love" on the Vegas Strip any day. (Thanks, Nevada! You suck too!)

But what I hate more than weddings is hypocrisy. All men are created equal if you are a member of an approved group. I actually heard some right-wing nut-job on the radio on the way home calling today's decision "democracy in action". He also claimed that he's not a bigot, he's a person of faith. It's getting harder and harder to tell the difference these days.

As a duck owner, I can tell you that if it walks and swims and quacks like a duck, it's a mutha-fukkin' duck!

These guys don't know who their messing with. The queer community has survived thousands of years of church oppression. We survived Hitler's death camps, police brutality, gay-bashing and AIDS. We are here to stay. They can not pray us away or legislate us away.

In the history of this nation - and the world - no civil rights struggle has ever failed. It's taking a lot longer that we wanted it to, but we've made some incredible strides and ultimately, we will prevail.

So, no. I don't want a big fancy wedding and I wouldn't get married in a church for all the tea-bagging in the Vatican. I don't want a wedding.

I want the same legal recognition and status of my nine-year relationship that my six married siblings have.

I want to live in a country that values my rights as an individual over the petty concerns of a church I don't even belong to.

I want my country to live up to its constitution by granting me full citizenship.

I want to get married.