Saturday, September 8, 2012

Oh, Squeaky, Thou Art a Bitch Goddess!

Daddy's Girl, Squeaky.
You are 19 years old, deaf, nearly blind and you miss the litter box almost as often as you hit it. You hated me when I first started dating your daddy, but somehow, over the years, I managed to win you over, much to his annoyance.

Over the past nearly 13 years, you became my cat, especially when Max and Snowball showed up on our doorstep, hungry and hopeful of sharing the love you once had all to yourself.

Although you were declawed years before I came along and Max is twice your size and Snowball is a scrappy little barn cat with half a tail, each of your adopted siblings have all their claws and could easily hurt you if they wanted. Instead they scatter when when you come into the room and hiss your enduring disapproval at their interloping presence. You are the queen of your castle and your daddies will always love you best.

May I beg a favor of Your Highness? Won't you please let your daddy sleep? I know my work schedule has changed and I get home after 1am and I don't get to spend as much time with you as I used to. But it's been over two months now. I still feed you twice a day, when I get home and when I get up. You know that I go to bed between 2am and 3am. Yet, you still come into my room at the crack of dawn crying to be fed, even though you ate your special canned food that the other cats don't get, just a few hours before.

There is dry food out for everyone to share. Are you really hungry, or are you just fucking with me? Don't you know your daddy needs his sleep so he can function at work to make money to buy you that special food that the other cats don't get? You are wearing me out!!

I've played it your way, getting up early to feed you, then going back to bed. But 15 minutes later you are back on the bed crying for attention. Are you really unable to hear me when I tell you "No!", or are you just faking it because you're mad at me?

Three weeks ago, I came up with my master plan.

"I'm the daddy, dammit! She'll eat when I say so!", I thought.

"She's still on my old schedule. I just have to break her of that and get her used to my new schedule", I thought.

So I set up the air mattress in the spare bedroom in the basement and decided that's where I'd sleep for a while. Squeaky doesn't go down there. I figured two to three weeks should be enough to get her acclimated to her new schedule and I can get a much needed full night's sleep.

It seemed to be working well, so last night, for the first time in weeks, I returned to my own comfy bed. Squeaky got up on the bed for a cuddle and to sleep with me like she always used to. All seemed right with the world... until the sun came up.

"MMMYYYOOOOWWWW!!!! MMMMYYYYOOOOWWWW!!!!" Translation: "Bwaaahhh, haaa, haaa!! Stupid, puny human!!! You thought you could defeat me???!!!

Squeaky, you win this round, as always. Daddy loves you, but this is not over. It's back to the basement for me.


  1. Thanks, BeBe. She still has all the energy and vitality she always had. She's very clever, but I will be victorious!


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