No more plagues of locusts, global flooding or tests of faith involving killing your own kid for this kinder, gentler supreme being. Public Relations Jesus had come to manage, massage and spin the word that God is Love and those who don't like it can just go to Hell.
Like most of you, I had never read anything, anywhere about J.C. condemning homos or our so-called "lifestyle". But apparently crucifixion and rising from the dead changes a man. Not to be outdone by his flock of inbred followers, the lord and savior of the universe is back. Not in a Rapture kind of way (sorry Rev. Camping). This man-god has finally learned to use the interwebs to get the message out to us mere mortals that he doesn't like the butt sex any more than Marcus Bachmann likes dressing as Ethel Merman and singing "Everything's Comin' Up Roses" in the bathroom mirror when the wife is on the campaign trail.
On his official blog, HomophobicJesus.com, Lord Lambchop (Lamb of God, get it?) says, "Famine, genocide, cancer, oh the suffering of my people! I have heard you crying in the night and so I have returned... but first things first: Gay Marriage."
Mr. Christ goes on to say, "It really irks my dad that some of his children are "coming out of the closet," embracing who they think the are, "finding love" and desiring to live their lives in monogamy. I ask you, how can we teach our children to respect others and to truly love with these damn gays around? The homosexual lifestyle is a choice and granting them the same rights as heterosexuals is a moral question and just plain wrong."
To seal the deal, the savior with two daddies adds, "Join me in the fight today, together we can pray the gay away!"
So, in summary -- and you might want to write this down -- loving, committed relationships between consenting adults of the same sex: Bad. Institutionalized pedophilia overseen by an old guy in a dress living in a palace in Rome: Good.
This has been a public service announcement. For more information, visit HomophobicJesus.com.