Thursday, May 19, 2011

Jesus is Coming and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt

As you may have heard by now, the lord and savior, the one and only J.C., is scheduled to return to Earth on Saturday, May 21st at exactly 6:00 pm EST -- and again every hour, as 6:00 pm occurs in each time zone around the world.

That's a schedule that even Santa Claus would be impressed by.

You may be wondering why this time and date in particular. According to multimillionaire/preacher Harold Camping, President and CEO of the Family Radio network, this Saturday marks the 7,000th anniversary of the Great Flood. You know, the one where Noah packed all those smelly animals into his houseboat two by two and they all survived for years without any of them eating each other or Mrs. Noah and the kids.

"There's nothing in the Bible that holds a candle to the amount of information to this tremendous truth of the end of the world," Camping told New York Magazine. "I would be absolutely in rebellion against God if I thought anything other than it is absolutely going to happen without any question."

How can Camping be so sure about his prediction? Do the math. "The year 391 B.C. is the year when the Old Testament was finished, and 2,011 + 391 - 1 = 2,401, or 7 x 7 x 7 x 7," he says.

But it turns out that Camping has predicted the end of days before. The world was supposed to end in 1994, but apparently Camping's math was slightly off. That's what happens when you forget to carry the 2.

But the reason the creepy old dude is so certain he's right this time is the acceptance of the gays. Camping, who you may remember from his earlier work in the "Poltergeist" movies, says that God is going to punish the world for mankind's acceptance of Gay Pride, just like he did to Sodom and Gomorrah back in the day. You may remember the passages from Genesis about all those hot, sweaty shepherd boys on the ox-drawn rainbow floats gyrating to the strains of "I Will Survive" in the original Aramaic.

So pat yourselves on the backs gays and gals!

I'm really looking forward to all the extra parking once those pesky holy rollers are gone. I might even start going to the mall again.

There's just one little hitch. The global earthquake that will begin on the South Pacific atoll of Kiritimati, where May 21st begins, then continue around the globe, just like Ryan Seacrest's New Years Rockin' Eve. For you surfer dudes, there should be some totally bitchin' wave action for several days. Kowabunga!

Jesus is coming. Wear clean underwear.
What's got me really worried, though, is more of an air traffic control logistical problem. According to the latest urban myths, only atheists will be flying aircraft this Saturday, so we've got that covered. Your stewardess won't be re-enacting that famous scene from Airplane, where Julie Hagerty gets on the P.A. system and utters those infamous words, "By the way, is there anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane?"

But what about all those poor raptured bastards winging their way up to meet their maker? At any given time there are thousands of commercial, private and military aircraft in flight. I'd hate to think that all those people would have devoted their lives to being wet blankets only to end up as bug splat on the windshield of some eastbound 747. I don't think you can get that off, even with an industrial strength barrel of Goo-Gone.

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